Welcome to the Human Wronged Awards for Accessible Cinema for the Deaf. Nominees for these prestigious awards have been chosen for the sterling efforts to wrong deaf people in their fight for access to the cinema. Yes that life long past time of going to the movies, enjoying the show, eating bad pop corn and spilling your drink on your unfortunate partner is being denied the deaf. Not only that, romance is dead. Deaf cinema goers must somehow navigate their way around a bendy armed alien for a simple snog. Simply leaning over for a snog is likely to lead to tangles and even having ones eye poked out. Meanwhile chiropractors all over Australia have bought shares in the Big4 Cinemas. Never before have they seen so many stiff necks and headaches requiring treatment. Chiropractors all over Australia see the word CaptiView and rub their hands with glee.
But we are not here to chat we are here to celebrate the Human Wronged Awards for Accessible Cinema for the Deaf. With out further adieu I will announce the winners. As each winner is announced applaud loudly and thank your lucky stars for DVD and Blue Ray.
And the winner of the Honorary Deaf Person Award goes to the Disability Commissioner… GRAEME INNES … Graeme Innes come on doooowwwwwwn. This award is to honour the person that most thinks like a deaf person. Graeme, of course, has been a champion of CaptiView. All over Australia Graeme has been congratulating the cinemas on the roll-out of CaptiView. In the newspapers, on Twitter, On Facebook and to whoever will listen Graeme has been promoting the fabulous benefits and access CaptiView has given to deaf people. Of Course Graeme, not being deaf, would have no clue as to the type of access CaptiView provides. BUT no matter, even though the deaf have told him almost as one they hate CaptiView, he is all knowing. There can be no more deserving winner of this award than GRAEME INNES – Give it up for DEAF GRAEME INNES one more time!
And wasn’t he a deserving winner. Moving right along let us move to our next sparkling award. This award, The Sieve Award, goes to the organisation that provides us with such inaccurate information about what is possible with captions in the cinema. The winner of this award has demonstrated an outstanding capacity to provide information in drips and so selectively that Sherlock Homes himself would struggle to get to the truth. First it was captions with Doremi were only possible with CaptiView. Then it was there are other captioning options but CaptiView is best. Then it was Open Captions are not possible, its CaptiView or nothing. Then it was Open Captions are possible but they’re bloody expensive. Then having found out that you could actually use the same caption file used for CaptiView to get Captions ON THE SCREEN they informed all that captions are an evolving process. Never was there any intention to mislead they say, even though they sent us all up the Garden path and beyond. We should never forget this pearl of wisdom that they provided – the deaf will take anything so long as there are words on screen. The Sieve Award honours such brilliant provision of inaccurate and misleading information, intentional or unintentional. There can only be ONE WINNER and we are hounoured to present this award to MEYDYA AGGSESS ORRZYTRALLLIIIIIIIAAAA …. COME ON DOWN!
Oh deary me, arn’t you just dizzy from all this excitement?
Our next award is the award that you have all been waiting for It is the Golden Logie, the Best Actor, the World Cup of the Human Wronged Awards. DRUUUUMMMMM ROOOLLLLLL … This award is the YOU ALL KNOW NOTHING AWARD. Oh yes, the winners of this award will go down in history as having told the deaf that they are all ignorant. That they do not know what is best for them. That CaptiView is best. That spending 2 million on a white elephant is nothing. When 500 people loudly told them that the Cinemas were offering naff all they told 500 people they WERE WRONG. Screams and cries to be represented were ignored. SIT DOWN SHUT UP AND LET US DO OUR JOB they said. What would us savages know? Nothing, of course. AND THE WINNER IS ….. There are actually two of them, OH MY GOD IT’S A TIE, how astonishing is this, the winners are …….. Oh they can not be named????… But we all know who they are don’t we? GIVE IT UP for them!!! Oh come one now surely you can do better than that? Not even finger tappies? Oh alright then. Moving right along.
And our final award is the RICH GET RICHER AWARD!!! What a fitting way to end the night. There can be no better way to finish the night than to present the award for the filthy rich who just get richer. Rich they maybe but apathy is the game. Do they care? Not one IOTA … What are they providing?… As little as possible .. Do they listen? No for they are the real deaf in all this. Will they ever take 3 million deaf people and their associates seriously? When hell freezes over. There is no surprise here .. It pisses us off no end to present this award to filthy rich and getting richer the BIG 4 CINEMAS!!!! WOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO!
Now go buy the DVD, its the only way you’ll enjoy the movie! (The Big 4 will love you for it, they probably have shares in the DVD distributor companies.)