Being Turned On – Sex and the Deaf! (with hearing people)

light-bulb-424I have been doing The Rebuttal now for two and a half years. I have written about many different topics. Families, human development, a particular money wasting CEO, language, children, sport, ranting – somehow I find something to write about. I was chatting with a friend a few nights back and I told him that one day I was bound to run out of things to write about. He said, “Nah, there is always something.”

He was right in a way. But to date I have taken basically the same themes and written about them in different ways. Some of these have been interesting and have generated a great deal of discussion. Others that I thought were really relevant generated no discussion. Possibly because everyone agreed with them or possibly because the writing put the reader to sleep,  probably the latter. But the question remains what else can I write about?

Well there is SEX. I have not touched on SEX.  I am British and sex does funny things to British people. More so than any other nation I think. I was brought up on a diet of Benny Hill, Dick Emery, The Two Ronnies and the Carry On movies. There was actually a stage play called No Sex Please We Are British. No one pokes fun at sex more than the British because no-one is more uncomfortable with sex than the British and it is how they cope.  And no one copes with sex worse than the British. My favourite British scene from a comedy is Monty Pythons the Meaning of Life. Who can forget the Catholics across the road dropping babies at will because the Pope wont let them use contraception and the Protestants neighbours complaining about the number of children that the Catholics had. The dialogue goes something like this:

Protestant husband: Those Catholics they breed like rabbits. Thirty years we have been married and we only have two children.

Protestant Wife: Yes dear but we only had sex twice.

And that pretty much sums up the British and sex.

But what about the deaf and sex. Is it worth writing about?

Before sex there is pre-sex. Not foreplay but finding someone to have sex with. As a young whipper snipper I liked chasing skirt, so to speak. It was the highlight of my week to get into the bar and chase the skirt. Of course being deaf chasing the skirt is essentially different.  I could  have limited my self solely to the Deaf community but, hey, there are lots of fish in the sea.

Pubs and nightclubs are loud and not conductive to hearing well with hearing aids. They also make it difficult to talk because they are so loud it is hard to monitor ones voice and be understood. The answer for me was to be DEAF and as DEAF as possible. I never went without paper and pen. I loved going to bars with deaf mates because we could sign and signing in the middle of the bar is a great way to get attention.

There were nights where the hunt was unsuccessful and there were nights when it was successful. More nights not successful than successful but I guess that’s essential otherwise it would tend to become boring. That was my reasoning anyway. You have to boost your self-esteem somehow. When I was successful it was often awkward. Why? Because hearing people, most of them, indeed most people generally, like having sex in the dark. Maybe it is because humans in general are embarrassed about their bodies. The media promotes the perfect body, rippling muscles and silicon pumped breast. Very few of us can compete. The answer is – do it in the dark!

Usually the scene is at some woman’s flat or house. I still lived with mum and dad so that was a no go zone. There would be more wine had, perhaps pizza, coffee a bit of sofa fun and inevitably you would end up in the bed. If you are deaf and about to have sex with someone for the first time you can, if you want, leave your hearing aids on. Many deaf will chose to leave their aids on rather than suffering with the embarrassment of fumbling to take them off.  Hearing aids are a bit like underwear, the last part to go and usually taken of hesitantly and self consciously.

BUT they can sometimes ruin the ambiance.  Sex is exercise and inevitably you sweat. At the crucial moment WEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOEEEEEEOOOOO and I guarantee any hearing person who knows nothing about hearing aids and their tendency to whistle at the wrong moment will quickly flick on the bedside lamp and want to know, “What the hell is that?” Cue the heavy breathing. “pant ppant .. just my hhhhearing aaiid.”

Then of course you have partners who like the ears. They like to nibble the ear or slosh their tongues about in the ear. A rubber ear mould and electronic device is not really conductive for this sort of sport. On goes the light and the red faced partner will apologise,  “What ever was I thinking, I am so so sorry”  One particularly keen partner  after tasting rubber (in my ear) did this and then asked if I would, “Like some music to set the mood again.”  More apologies ensued and I think we gave up about that time and decided that sleep was the best option.

And of course you have to communicate during sex. “Not there“, “That hurts“, “Oh yes” – all of these little communication tricks tell us whether we are doing the right things. You can hardly switch on the light every time you want to say something so that your partner can lipread you.  A purely fictional, comical with an element of truth scene might go something like this:

Light on:  I like that

Action resume for five minutes:

Light on: Can you do what you were doing again

Action resumes for five minutes:

Light on: Do we have any condoms

It pays to work out the communication strategies beforehand, but hey its spontaneous. What do you do?:

Now before we start if you like something tug my left ear. If you don’t pat me twice on the head. If your ready two tugs ..

It doesn’t work like that! But hell we work it out somehow. I know I did, lots of times.

So there you have it.  The Rebuttal’s first ever soft porn article. Well really I think its a valid social comment. Being British it was quite hard to write but I hope the reader does not take offence and can, like me, see the funny side.

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19 thoughts on “Being Turned On – Sex and the Deaf! (with hearing people)

  1. Oh Gazza I’m so glad you wrote about sex. I’ve been dying to mention deaf/Deaf pornstars.

    I know of one [no point putting a link, cos not your cuppa tea] but suffice to say, it’s a wonder of film editing to see the porn star in a shower [both the clear and the yellow type] scene with the hearing aids ON, then as soon as the water starts flowing, they disappear!

    Me, hearing aids and water = EEK!

    Heck, the same model is another scene in a swimming pool, just doing posing and shit like that, and I’m thinking, any minute now, they are gonna go underwater, and the hearing aids are gonna get wet!

    Righto Liamn, this is your cue to start talking about sex with your implants on, and how it imbues the experience with that something extra.

  2. i am not deaf but am in love with a deaf person.this person does not wear a hearing aid and is shy of thier voice and never uses it; even during sex. yes im aware of how using ones voice presents many challenges; but its intimacy! -and im new at signing and still learning however-how can i convince them that they can trust me and thier voice? i mean what does a deaf person require in bed that a hearing person doesnt? do i have the right to ask them to “let go” make noise”-i mean its only natural right? i dont mind the lights on because i want to know what your saying and see that beautiful face- do most deaf people climax in silence? holding back from fear of how they will sound to a hearing person? even if its love? ive been told by my love that they have never made noise during sex?? but we have talked and they have used thier voice for me….wow!! i fell even more in love.i promise ill never laugh at your voice..i love you-you have taught me so much-i dont play the radio when were together-and i try very hard not to hear anything when we are together-in public; when im with you at dinner-im deaf too. i hear nothing around me but you…youre beautiful language of hands. perhaps i just need you to make noise to make me feel like a man? thats so selfish!! but i promise that the amazing sex will only get better if you can trust yourself and “let go”-trust me…you deserve to use all parts of yourself ; even your voice! you can tell when you look at me that im making noise and i know you feel the vibrations of my sounds.let me feel yours too-please. i use sign when we are in bed….its not my language; im awkward and slow and have to finger spell alot but i use your language. i only ask that when we are together and making love that you use my language also. i am learning your language because i love you! can you not use mine when we are together? i will never ask you to speak in public …if i were in a room full of deaf people ; they may laugh at me. my language is developing still; just like your verbal language. and when youre scared to share your voice remember i love you so much; im so proud to be seen with you-you are my heart! thanks for the article it hit close to home for me…except im not deaf. thank you for letting me ask my questions; even if i get no answers. signed- a hearing man in your deaf world.

  3. Phatio … I have no answers to your questions except that years of prejudice and ridicule can sometimes close a person up. I have no idea of the schooling, the family or the peer group of your partner so can not make any judgements.

    Years of being told to “use your voice” can make a person just not want to use it anymore. Perhaps there is more than sounds or grunts but more an internal mental thing for your partner. Perhaps its just about accepting things as they are and looking for the visual who knows.

    God I sound like a sex therapist … believe me I am hopelss – the last person u should ask .. Maybe someone can offer more advice. Glad the article helped though.

    As for Joshua I have no problem with you posting the link just warn people of the content. People can chose to click or not. It sounds hilarious.

    As for Liamn and cochlear implants. Come on down … tell us the story. I am pretty sure Joshua mentioned you tongue in cheek but I am intrigued anyway.

  4. Phatio,

    I am a hearing person who has spent the best part of my life having sex with a Deaf person and I can tell you that the voice will come 🙂 as the trust develops.

    In the mean time, don’t make speaking/ use of voice such a big issue. As Gazza said – there are alot of things that you don’t/cant understand about the pressures of speaking and the psycological impact it can have. You are learning Auslan which is great (you are right it IS a beautiful language) but focas on the ‘communication’ and not what mode it happens in.

    Best wishes,
    ‘Been there …doing that’

  5. Gazza,

    Can’t post any links, as they are downloads, and I’m not uploading anything.

    But for those who are interested there is http://www.deafbunny.com, which uses sign language in their videos. It is a straight sight.

  6. Actually, I have promised Liam that I would write a treatise on Erotica. Cos I mentioned to him that me and my hearing mate, always talk about erotica in terms of the craft of film making, acting, the good and bad side of erotica, the development of erotica form the 70’s till now, how you can tell who is enjoying it and who is not, the terminology used, Gay for Pay, stars who swing both ways, how erotica drove the internet, and so on… and yeah, the adult industry has its own awards nights. Just don’t get me started on that one!

  7. But anyway, Phatlo Blue, don’t get too hung up on your sign. As long as you can finger spell, you can communicate in the dark. I don’t care what Liam and my Hearing mate say, sound is over rated.

    Being Deaf and being hearing are simply two different states of being.. tho I never did much finger spelling in the dark with my ex, but it is the simplest and least complicated.

    There’s also taking your partner’s hands and showing them what you want to do, etc….

    But one thing Phatlo Blue, don’t ever deny your hearing. Just because your partner is deaf, is no reason fro you to give up listening to the radio etc., that’s not love, that’s not having a relationships, that’s denying yoruself.

    It’s good that you don’t want your partner to deny themselves, but it’s equally important that you don’t deny yourself.

  8. Ohhh my god!!! Actually I shouldn’t say that because I’m an atheist with a Catholic background!

    I like the humour in your post Gazza.. very funny and I can imagine a comedy skit based on turning the lights on and off in between speaking.

    Anyway, I admit I’m a regular reader of blogs dealing with relationships, sex and stuff but there’s only room for one Guru around here so I’m not proclaiming to be one.

    Ok, pre-implant days, sound didn’t feature much during coitus (there’s the prudish Catholic voice rearing it’s ugly head again) so I get the feeling my partner(s) at the time were ignorant (as most hearies are and I don’t blame them) about deaf matters so they’d be quiet unless they could not control themselves. There was one woman who kept talking like a porn star (use your imagination here) and to be honest it was more of a distraction than a turn on because I automatically move my eyes to the speaker’s head to lip read out of habit. Which is a bit of a mood killer.

    Post-implant days, I’m hearing natural noises our bodies make while writhing together and one woman kept making guttural noises in my ear during coitus…

    Oh

    My

    God!!

    It was like a light switch had gone off in my head now I know what the fuss was all about. What I’ve just mentioned is only one aspect which “imbues the experience”, coming from a world almost void of sound to this was quite…….

    educational to say at the least.

    But I digress…

    In one of my recent experiences, in the morning and don’t tell me you guys never get the temptation to have morning coitus do you? Well things progressed quickly and there was simply no time for me to put my implants on so we just got on with it. No noise, no panting, no slapping noises, nothing.

    Honestly I prefer to leave the implants on to listen what is happening and more importantly listen to what my partner is doing because after all both of you are meant to enjoy the experience. However you can always express a little creativity by just using your hands to guide your partner to bliss.

    I’ve had women grab my head with her hands only to knock the coils out of place, it’s very annoying and it can interrupt things while I’m fumbling around trying to put it back in place at the same time she’s apologising profusely. Again it’s a mood killer.

  9. And there’s new models of cochlear implants that allow you to record your coitus. For future playback [think of the memories in graphic audio detail] and you can even upload them for us all to share. Then we can finally get the truth of your adventures. Was she really impressed with the size of your dick or did she sign with disappointment!!!

    Them we can all share a hearty laugh!

  10. A Transcription of Liam’s exploits could read as follows:

    Girl: Hi!

    Liam: Oi! Oi! Oi!

    Girl: Titter!

    Liam: [Beating his chest] Arh Oh Arhhhhh

    Girl: Swoons.

    Liam: Interrupting the proceedings, and apologising profusely: Excuse em while I put my implants back in.

    Girl: [Swoons again at the mention of implants] oh silicon?

    Liam: What? Silly Con? what’s that?

    Girl: Doesn’t matter. Let’s just fuck.

    Liam; Drooling profusely.

    Girl: What would you like, cream pie or chocolate milkshake?

    Liam: I though you said you want to fuck!

  11. Oh guys I have created a monster 🙂 Loved your stories Liam. Aden my eldest as referred his school mates to this Blog apparently. Something to do with recognising authors or something. Go easy on the language hhehehehe. Do you ask yiur women if they want Coitus Liam or are you a little more forward than that. eheheheheh. Thanks again.

  12. Lol Tony. i said sometimes not always LOL.

    Sex can be overated cocoa has no strings, no mess and is more sweet 🙂 SOMETIMES

  13. Gazza, no worries.

    why not? The word Coitus sounds much more sophisticated compared to just plain old starfish sex 😉

    Anyway, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony….

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